Witnessing Our Wounding…
A confession…
I know that there are many times when I speak to the vulnerabilities and tending to ourselves during the journey.
I had wanted to, this week to speak to the spaces of holding ourselves in a different way or more of an upbeat space. And as always I also want to be authentic with what’s in the space.
I always look to what I am going through in my own journey and also what is happening in my own space and using that as a metaphor and symbolism as to where we can seek that or have that be relief in our own journeys.
The truth is, I don’t think we spend enough time in witness or speaking about what we are really journeying through behind the scenes, often glossing over or putting together an image of perfection for all to see.
And I tend to be an antithesis to that because it all exists together and I think we have to honor both.
This space of witnessing comes from my own vulnerabilities and sharing that of one of my horses that is currently navigating an injury.
Mama as we affectionately call her, or Ostara as her real name, is an older mare in our elder herd that came to us via the SPCA, almost completely feral and pregnant with Apollo.
It was our intention with her that we would foster for the SPCA until she could get adopted and also her foal, except let’s be honest for real I would have just adopted them.
Then I found out that Ostara, who I named after the German goddess of easter because she came on easter and the new beginnings, was going to be euthanized after Apollo was weaned because she wasn’t deemed Adoptable. Being an older mare, who was feral with some old injuries they didn’t think she would find a home.
When Ostara came to us, I could sense with her that her life force was weak, when I heard that she was going to be euthanized, I immediately said, not on my watch and said I would adopt her and her unborn foal instead of fostering.
I did this mostly for her because I wanted this mare to know she was worthy of a loving home and her life was valued, not for anything else other than it just was.
It changed things I think for her to have someone witness her space of belonging. That she belonged and she was loved and she was worthy of a home and she did not have to prove her value beyond that she is a living being, that’s all.
I watched her come to life, settling into our elder herd, deeply bonding with one of our elder Geldings, Louis, we call them husband and wife, and slowly being able to trust us, humans.
She now lets us halter, groom, and trim her feet. It took us close to 2 years for us to be able to handle her that way.
She is a sweet mare that has opened up to having a home and to contribute to this space as she does in her wisdom and medicine.
At the end of last week, I noticed Mama couldn't put weight on her hind leg, injured by something we are not too sure of or what is happening.
As a mare who already has some old injuries that cause her some discomfort, it is hard for us to witness her struggling even more.
It triggers for us that fragility of life, I can’t help but feel concerned for her and I am also transparently aware of my own vulnerability I feel in this moment.
It’s hard for us to witness wounds in ourselves and in others, it’s uncomfortable, we don’t always want to see it.
We moved Mama with her hubby Louis into our arena for some peace and to minimize her movement, she is still her old self, hobbling along, grateful we think for some peace but otherwise carrying on as usual.
As a side, we do have our vet and others coming to support her as well.
What I was witnessing with Mama in my own self is my discomfort to be with my own wounds. I don’t like feeling the weakness of my thoughts or emotions when I get triggered by life.
Sometimes we don’t know what to do, do we bypass what we feel so we don’t settle into the space of our fears?
Do we witness it and risk getting pulled under?
In my own spaces right now I feel the vulnerability of the unknown and certainly around the pandemic as we are in the strictest restrictions since the pandemic started in our area, my retreat space and business have been more heavily impacted this year than any other.
So naturally, I feel the concern around my finances and my “plans” that I had created intention around may perhaps not be able to happen because of external circumstances.
I still feel tender from the loss I experienced with Luca and Rudy in March and I am not fully healed by that.
It triggers the space of the unknown, of feeling tender in more than one area, and in that tenderness, I can feel weak sometimes afraid of holding that weakness because my fear says don’t go too down that rabbit hole.
So there is a paralysis that exists of wanting to stay “positive” and optimistic, and not allowing myself to go down into a place of victimhood.
And also a desire to be ok with the discomfort of feeling wounded right now, because I know in my biggest fear and pattern for me exists a space where I feel as if I have to appear strong all the time because others are depending on me too.
As I look to Mama, and I sit with her, and I sit with my own discomfort around her injury and where that takes me to a space and spiral around her well-being, I breathe in some of her wisdom as well.
Horses in the wild get hurt all the time, often they heal their injuries. If it is bad, they might be taken by a predator.
Vulnerability is part of their existence as prey animals, and it’s something that is just part of who horses are.
There is resilience in there but also a capacity to be with it, without worrying about it or also bypassing it.
Mama is taking care of herself by resting a lot, we are helping her by creating a space that is safer for her to tend to what she needs.
She has the wisdom to have seen much. She wears many scars from past injuries she must have had in her life, where she didn’t have a home and place to love her and give her what she needs.
This is the offering:
We cannot bypass the places we feel tender or vulnerable, because it doesn't go away.
We can be with the discomfort of witnessing our wounding, without feeling like we have to cover it up by being strong, or glossing over it, or trying to reach positive affirmations that we can’t get to.
We don’t like to be in the space of discomfort, we want to move away from it, not towards it.
A balanced state is allowing ourselves to just witness where we feel tender, without judgment, and without making up a story of what it means.
In this space, I can spiral and have had to place a boundary around myself in this area. I have learned what it means to witness without judging or getting fearful.
In my story of fear, as I look at Mama and it triggers every area of my life as I feel vulnerable. I can easily make up a story that looks like this.
This is my fault.
This is such a horrible year, why are all these bad things happening to me.
I feel like the universe, life is punishing me for something or that I am just going to get beat up this year.
What else can go wrong?
I take it personally which it isn’t, and then I go into victim mode about things, which isn’t helpful.
When I witness my wounding just from a space of witnessing it looks like this:
I feel vulnerable and tender, I feel fear, my fear is coming from a place of uncertainty, I just need to rest and surrender for a moment.
There is no story, there is no judgment, there is no faulting, but there is also no forcing myself to be somewhere I am not.
Mama has an injured leg, we can’t ignore that, or not tend to it, and just hoping that it will go away isn't going to do anything either.
We have to tend to our wounds by witnessing it, by tending to it, and asking for the support we need.
In the mirror of what I witness with Mama, it is a reminder to seek out the comfort I need, to listen in my spaces of vulnerability where I need to be held, and to give myself room to rest, let go of things and not push or force myself to be somewhere I am not.
To be authentic with our wounded spaces doesn’t mean we are being negative, it means we are honoring our process and where we are in the moment.
Our whole selves are not wounded, but a part of us might be and we need to offer love and space to that part of us that needs to be witnessed.
Mama is showing me her capacity to be in herself while navigating an injury, it doesn’t deplete her or take away from her, it is simply something that needs to be supported.
Being and having the capacity to be with my vulnerabilities as much as people might think I am good at it, is something I have had to build a muscle around.
Where I used to convince myself I was fine, lead to having a breakdown somewhere else down the line.
Losing myself in my vulnerabilities and fears also did nothing to support me so I have had to find that balance of being with both.
I was triggered by this and wanted to share this because I think one of the hardest things for us is to be in a space of discomfort in ourselves and in others, we don’t want to witness it because it’s painful.
The way through our pain is to be with it, to witness it, to love it, and to anchor ourselves with the part of us that doesn’t live in that space but can hold us in it.
We don’t have to try to affirm our way out of it, though we do need to find a space of comfort alongside it, but don’t reach for somewhere you can’t be right now.
It’s ok to feel these spaces sometimes and to know we will move through it and part of the experience of life is we get to witness our wounding.
In Mama’s case, we will continue to tend to her as she needs, it is not a terrible injury or anything she can’t heal from. What makes it a bit harder for her is she already has some old injuries she has to live with so this adds to that. We are hopeful that we have all we need to see her through, and we have some really great support systems around to help her with what she needs.
If you feel inspired to send love her way you can do so, she has a hind end leg injury we think it is a tendon injury but we are not 100 percent sure. If you want to envision or send love for her healing you can do so.
If this resonates for you in an area that this lands in, take some time to be loving towards the part of you that feels the tenderness, give space for it to be witnessed, be authentic with what you are feeling, and know it’s ok for us to feel wounded and vulnerable at times and it doesn’t need to take away from or instill fear in what we are creating. We can be with both.
Create some loving boundaries with yourself to not go down rabbit holes of worse case scenarios or nurturing any perspective that has you continue down feeding the fear, we can witness without feeding.
And seek out the spaces of support that hold you, where you find comfort, take a rest, surrender, don’t push or force yourself to be somewhere you are not.
Let yourself be loved, ask for what you need, let yourself receive support, and be strengthened by those around you.
If you have to witness someone else in their wounding, we have been really practicing this with Mama and also with Rudy when we went through their process.
Try not to project your own triggers of discomfort onto them. Anything that may come for me around Mama I need to deal with and tend to that without putting it into her space so when I do need to be with her in support of her I am not pulling that heaviness into her energy, we can separate that.
The most supportive thing we can do when we are witnessing the space of another in their wounding is to empower them in their process, see them as a whole, imagine their wholeness and be present to what they need from you while giving space and room to your own process separately.
And in case you need a container to be held in.
This is the last day to come be a part of Sacred, which is a container I created for women space holders, who hold a lot for others and need a space to be held for themselves.
If you are feeling vulnerable around any of your own healing and you need a safe space to be present to and be loved upon and tended to in your own wounding this is a container for you.
There are 3 and 6-month options. This is a beautiful space that includes some deeply intuitive healing work held by the herd, myself, and also a collective of gifted women that were gathered for you, to tend to all places we hold our wounding, including our body and nervous system.
You can explore here, extended payment plans are available for anyone that needs it.
If it is calling you, follow the urge, I am happy to create space to make this spacious for you to join if it speaks to you.
Otherwise, lean into where you need to hear this message today.
Love your mentor and guide,
Hillary
