A Personal Journey Of Leadership…

This past month I had been feeling an invitation to engage with my horses in a different way than I typically do.

My herd of horses are all former rescues, they come to me in various states of trauma and wounding, physically and emotionally.

There is a dominating relationship that people have with horses that we witness in the industry where primarily the horses do what we want them to do, there is not often a lot of room for them to have a say in the conversation or be honored in the relationship.

It is deeply important to me in the space I hold for my horses for them to find healing a different way of being witnessed and held in relationship to people, they get a choice, I teach people how to be respectful of coming into their space and they get to choose with whom and how they want to engage.

There is no expectation on them to do anything other than what is acceptable and honoring to them in the relationship.

Most of my horses are not rideable, that is not the primary relationship we have with them, and in my own space of range in my relationship with them, I needed to step into looking at my baggage and fear of wounding them in this journey.

There are layers to this post, it is about my own exploration of leadership and also honoring my mare Kali.

There are activities that I do with my horses that offer an active engagement, meaning we play in a more active space, with movement, instead of reflective.

I had the urge to start to play with a couple of my young horses on the ground, for their own training and also for the space they could step into with clients.

Kali was not a horse that was on my radar in this space because of her history.  She came to us having escaped death twice, first in a kill pen emaciated and then with an owner who decided her attitude and demeanor warranted euthanasia, and then she found me.

When she first came into our herd she was cautious of people, which of course she would be, she was also a fighter and a fierce mare that had no issue bringing that into the herd.  She needed to be taught that this space was different, she didn’t have to battle here the way she used to.

I have watched this mare evolve without losing her edge because she is a spicy mare, but she is compassionate, she loves to be around people, she is an incredible space holder especially for women, she has found her way through her baggage and often is a teacher that we too have to do our deep healing work to come out on the other side.

So when she stepped forward with me to volunteer to do some groundwork, I was surprised and perhaps had an expectation of how it would go.

And it was a battle, she fought me tooth and nail, we were both sweating and trying to find our way through understanding the dynamics of what was going on.

What was being communicated and what did she need from me?  Kali is a mare that is spicy, sassy, dominant, and sensitive, she forces you to be in your range with all of it.

Be too soft with her and she will challenge you and go running into you, be too fierce with her and you will spook her and hit on her own edges of fear, so you have to find your way through both of them.

This is where she grows you.

I had to pause a lot, in our first go, it was messy, it didn’t look pretty and it ended with her spooking, bolting, and flipping her head, and falling down.  I was more traumatized than she was, she got right back up and danced around some more.

I stopped at that moment, to allow both of us to recover, checked her over, and let her go back into the herd.

I left feeling wounded and in fear that I had caused her accident and it triggered all kinds of fear for me in terms of what I should be asking of my horses.

I am so impacted by the trauma humans inflict on horses that I pull back because I am holding that projection.

I have also learned enough from my horses that I need to be aware of my own projection and not force it on them.

So that evening I went out to see Kali to see how she was and to sort through my own emotions.

She was eating and when she saw me picked up her head and then gave me her hind end for me to scratch, she clearly had no ill will towards our previous space and was leaning into me for connection.

I asked her because I trust the space of communication, where do we go from here.

She called me on my fear, saying that it was part of our learning journey and this new space of engaging allows her to step into a new space where she gets to teach others and she desires that.

What was showing up for me, because this is always a mirror is I realize this was pushing on my own edge of not wanting to bring my own leadership into a new arena, that I have been this year.

I was feeling insecure and quite frankly wanted to stay comfortable and not push that edge with her or myself, and she called me on that.

That’s not growth, we can learn from our mistakes, recover and it’s ok to be messy, but don’t take away a chance for a new space of leadership because you are afraid and uncomfortable.

Ok.

I collected myself and sat with the invitation both from Kali and for myself, and adjusted.

What did I learn from our first interaction and where did things need to shift to create a more supportive space for Kali and myself and still honored where she was wanting to push her edges in a new space of teaching.

I reached out to a trusted fellow horsewoman for some thoughts on what went wrong, and went out the next day into a new pen, away from the other horses so we didn’t create distraction and chaos for her or me.

I let her be at liberty without a long line, to ensure she had room to move as she needed to, to support any physical limitations she might have.

And we tried again.

And this time, it was poetry, connection, and light.

There were movement and a conversation of connection that took place with her and me and we both had an opportunity to grow from our first experience and shine in a new way.

The takeaways because there is always learning was this for me.

I love that I still get humbled by my horses, it doesn't matter how much of an expert we think we are or the expectation we hold on ourselves to be that, we are still learning.

I know how to do this exercise with my horses and I still have learning to do and that was important for me to be reminded of.

When we are building new muscles in our leadership and in life it looks messy sometimes and that’s ok, no one expects us to be perfect, and we need to give room for us to find our way with something new and know fumbling and making mistakes are going to be part of the conversation.

We need to be forgiving of our process and our journey and give permission to make errors and then forgive ourselves for them. Be kind with yourself, don’t beat yourself up if you fumbled and made a mess.

Lean into the fear and get curious as to what the teaching is, I had to with Kali get honest with myself o what my own fears were, that was not about her and own them and then look to what is the teaching she is giving me.

Stay curious and open to where things are wanting to shift and try things out, adjust as you need to, recover and get back in the ring.

Sometimes our fear of failure keeps us from finding the brilliance and growth in new learning, be aware of that.

Lean in to support where you need it, I needed to ask for help from an outsider that I trusted that was supportive for my own process and for Kali, we can’t always know the answers or wisdom for ourselves when we are in it, mentors, coaches, trusted allies are there to help us with our blind spots and offer wisdom.  

Stay in connection with what is being offered to you, see it as a teacher, with my process with Kali it was important to me to see her as a teacher and be curious and connected to how she was teaching me and to honor her in the process as well.  If it isn’t a horse it can be the person on the other end of our teaching or life, when we embrace and connect with them as a teacher, it can support our capacity to receive the learning and also honor them as part of the process.

It isn’t always I get to be the client with my horses, of course, I seek out the wisdom of the horses and this was a powerful space that Kali held with me that I wanted to share.

My herd are teachers when people are called to come and experience our work, we believe a piece of that is they are called to our herd and perhaps a certain teacher that is here that is calling them, we are the doorway at times into meeting the space and medicine of our herd.  We facilitate and hold space with our herd through equine guided coaching a powerful experience to be witnessed back in the wisdom and medicine of horses. 

If was moving to you and you are feeling called to this energy, we would invite you to explore our site and see if this experience with our herd is calling to you.

Otherwise, if there was a potent nugget in here that wanted to be felt and witnessed in your own leadership growth, lean in and pay attention to what those are.

And gratitude to our fierce and unapologetic mare Kali for showing up so powerfully for us and for those that are reading this piece.

Love your mentor and guide,
Hillary