My Journey to Motherhood: Part 1

I have wanted to write something for a while to share about my path to motherhood.

I think that it is sometimes a complex journey we take as women on this path and I wanted to offer some of what has been part of mine.

As a young girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mother one day, I played with dolls, I pretended to be pregnant, it was always something I felt deep down would be important for me.

I had ideas of when that would happen, my family will tell you I would often say how I would start having kids in my twenties, two girls that I would name Lily and Delilah. 

And then I got to my twenties and was not ready to be in a relationship let alone have children.

I spent the majority of those years working on myself, taking self-development courses, going on retreats, trying to heal myself of my own mother wounds, and finding my path to my purpose.

Then came my thirties and I was focused deeply on my purpose, on my work with the horses on buying this ranch, my dream of motherhood seemed to be a hollow desire that I started to question that maybe that wasn’t what I wanted.

But deep down there was still that dream and I accepted that I would most likely have children later in life and that if it was meant to be it would be.

At 36 I met my husband, we both talked about the desire to have children and a family one day, but I was still conflicted internally.

In 2020 when covid hit, we were in the space of trying to have a child, I had though been struggling for the last 3 years with hormone imbalances and irregular periods, now not knowing if my body was even able to have a pregnancy.

I was seeing doctors and naturopaths and Chinese medicine practitioner to help balance my body from years of stress from carrying so much.

I had a moment in the midst of us trying to have a child when it was the beginning of COVID when I had a panic attack.

I couldn’t try to have a child right now, a part of me didn’t know still if this is what I wanted, I also didn’t want to stress my body and space out more now having to navigate a pandemic.

I had to tell my partner that I needed time to sort through what I was feeling and that would it be ok with him if I maybe didn’t want children.

It was a vulnerable conversation but one I had to give space for, luckily I have a part that is deeply supportive of my journey.

So I had to give myself room to sit with both the desire to have children and also give space to the part of me that was conflicted about it.

Here is the truth.

I was afraid.

I was afraid that I would not be as present to my purpose, I was afraid I woudn’’t have the capacity to hold everything, I was afraid that it would change me.

I was afraid that it would take away from my purpose and also my connection to my horses.

I was terrified about what it meant to have a child.

I had to sort through where that fear was coming from and if it was mine.

As women, we are constantly I believe given these beliefs around what it means to be a woman and have a baby.

We are damned if we do, and we are damned in some ways if we don’t.

I had to sit in the space of my fears, look at them, and feel into is this really my truth? Do I really believe this or are these conditions that I have taken on that don’t belong to me.

I sat in the field with my herd and I let myself be with all of it.

I didn’t deny my fears or try to hide them or judge myself for having them.

And then I held room for the part of me that desired to be a mother and I felt this truth.

I feel in my bones that this journey however it manifests is part of what I am meant to hold in this lifetime.

I know that this path will have a life of its own but it is a space that belongs on my journey.

My mare Dharma held this for me, offering me this wisdom.

It is nothing more than this.

This is a part of your destiny, you are meant for this, embrace it don’t fear it.

That was the truth.

I want to be a mother and I had to claim that for myself in the middle of my fears and insecurities of how it would change my life and the conditions around it.

What if being a mother deepened my work instead of taking me away from it.

What if I held this as a deeper invitation and trusted it instead of fearing it.

So I felt the deep acceptance and receptivity of ok, I am available for this.

But of course, there are layers, I still had to sort out my hormones and my body, so I took 2020 in many ways to begin to heal and to give my body what it needed to balance.

Then 2021 happened, and for some of us, it was a harder year than 2020.

I was taken over by loss this year, first my beloved soul mate dog Luca passed suddenly, it was a shock to my body and it threw me into another episode of imbalance.

I then spent the next 4 weeks holding space for transition for one of my horses Rudy, being in grief and loss for weeks on end was hard for my system.

Then we had to navigate a terrible fire season, evacuating horses, losing 2 months in my business, it was a hard year for my emotional state and also my body.

So the focus on getting pregnant was minimal, but on the nudging of my acupuncturist, I was referred to the fertility clinic to get some insight in what was going on.

For the last 4 years my naturopath had me on progesterone to help balance my low progesterone and irregular periods, turns out though that the way I was being prescribed to have it was like birth control. 

As a side, I would deeply recommend for anyone on this journey to take wisdom from both sides, I am very grateful to the holistic practitioners and for the fertility clinic for supporting my journey.

I was told to get off progesterone which I did and then once I did I to the complete surprise to myself and my husband got pregnant.

I was shocked and grateful, and so began my journey into motherhood, which I believe came in a combination with getting support for my physical body and also my emotions and beliefs around motherhood.

I kept the space of the pregnancy to myself except for sharing it with family and a few friends and community members.

I wasn’t afraid to tell everyone knowing that if I did miscarry I would share that too.

I was hopeful but I also knew that anything could happen but at least I knew I could get pregnant.

At 6 weeks I had an ultrasound, my plan being once I did I would share it, I didn’t know how far along I was because my last period was so irregular I hadn’t been tracking anything.

My appointment was driven by anxiety, the lab technician didn’t say much, but I did have to get a vaginal ultrasound because she said it was very early.

She said she could confirm gestation but couldn’t tell me anything else and that probably my doctor would send me for bloodwork and to come back in 10 days.

Something didn’t feel right and I didn't know what it was.

My doctor called me a few days later to let me know I was 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant, but they wanted me back in 10 days because they didn’t pick up a heartbeat.

He said nothing to really worry about because it is early, but I think I knew then, something is not right.

While this was happening I lost another one of my horses suddenly, and then 2 days later I started to miscarry.

The night before I started to bleed, I remember putting my hands on my body and saying I love you and I trust you.

Because I really and truly did.

I have faith and knowing that if this is going to happen it will, that this was my body’s way of preparing, and that the soul of my child was still coming to me.

I was fortunate that I miscarried with ease, my body naturally passing the pregnancy.

Emotionally I felt peace, and I share this delicately because I know that as women we each have our journey’s and we need to honor that.

I knew early one that I might miscarry and it felt to me that this was a passage I had to go through.

It helped that the horse I lost around the same time Peter Pan had a medicine around embracing all aspects of the journey to life, his loss and then the loss of his beloved herd mate Flicka a week after him in many ways helped me cope and process with my own internally loss.

I would never have imagined so much loss and death in one week would comfort me but in a strange way it did.

I will share this…

I cried a river of tears this year, grief was my companion for months, I felt in many ways prepared and present to loss in a way that felt lighter because of it.

It is also my own process to honor, that I did feel acceptance and knowing that this too was meant to be and I accept that.

There is no right way to grieve or honor a miscarriage, I was able to lean into women and friends that had their journey with it and we each have a way of carrying it.

Mine was I felt in my bones that this was part of my journey, and it is still an unknown.

I am hopeful still for a successful full-term pregnancy and I have surrendered to the path of it will be what it will be, if it is meant for me it will be and the journey will take on its own.

I did in honesty have a moment where I felt the unfairness of it, both my sisters got pregnant with ease, there was no miscarriage for them, so a part of me expected it would be the same for me.

It wasn’t..

And I did have a moment where I felt that deeply and gave space to that and then I came back to the wisdom of my horses that said, embrace the journey that is yours.

Perhaps going through this means I have a deeper understanding of other women that have experienced it, and it is not for me to judge my path over another, so I have found my way to embrace it.

I have also sat with an honored gift and invitation being pregnant gave me, it illuminated and clarified what needed to change in how I hold my energy.

It gave me room to discern and look at how I hold my work and purpose and let go of what didn’t feel completely aligned with that.

It forced me to start creating community around my teachings that I had been knowing I needed to do for the last 2 years.

So although it didn't stay the term, I have felt the invitation and path being paved by this small initiation into this journey.

I wanted to share the space of this because I know as women sometimes we don’t talk about it.

I also want to again share that we get to honor our way with this journey, we all have how we hold it and we need to do that without judgment.

I don’t know how the rest of this journey will unfold for me, but I trust that it will, and it will be what it is and I have faith in that.

What I want to offer to you reading this is here.

Find the support systems that witness and hold you with love and carrying.

Offer that space to yourself.

Be gentle and kind and honor your way.

Trust your truth in this space and get what you need to empower that.

Take space for yourself and honor your journey, without judging any piece of it.

This is a sacred and hard road at times we women have to walk and I am deeply grateful for those that have walked before me and have been sharing their way with me.

What a beautiful circle we can tap into of wise and loving women that are there to hold us.

I will continue to share the spaces of this journey.
Thank you for witnessing this.

And perhaps there is a piece in here that you needed tody as well.

Love your mentor and guide,
Hillary