38 Turns Around The Sun... A Birthday Reflection

Yesterday I turned 38.

Each year on my birthday I spend some time reflecting on my journey and set some intentions for a new year.

And I wanted to share some pieces with my community as well.

38, there are things that I didn’t know I would accomplish by this age and there are things that I imagined that I would and have not.

As I approach this new year, I don’t feel a profound or radical shift of intention that I want to create for myself.

Rather an intention to just simply be in the joy of life, to move lightly, and to continue to be in the journey.

They're not deepenings of lessons, rather a space of presence that I feel I want to occupy that is more open and spacious.

Sitting here on this ranch, and when I am writing this I have just completed leading a retreat for a couple around their grief.

I feel blessed. I remember in my twenties imagining and thinking to myself, that when I was in my 40’s I would have my own place.

I didn’t really think at 32 this would become a reality but here we are.

There are places I sit each year on the inquiry of how I do I deepen my purpose and accept my destiny more deeply?

Without attachment to it, but trust and an openness to follow the path that leads me here.

When I was 32 I was naive, and I was open to possibilities of this dream because it seemed like such an outrageous thing, and because of that, I was open to it.

There is a desire to go back to holding life that way, to be open because it seems so outrageous that I can be nothing but available for it.

If I have learned anything from the last 38 years and I know that I am still young, is that we don’t have the plan or the map, and we can’t assume to know how life is going to work out.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had an idea growing up that I would be married at 21 with children at 23, where I got this idea in my head I don’t know.  

I didn’t meet my partner until 35, and I am still waiting for the opportunity to have a child, which I do trust will happen in its own timing.

I have learned to not feel failure or fear if something has yet to happen because life has its own way of working its way with us, we just have to trust that it does.

I look to my past to give me a space of relief to not have so much angst and to remember that truly control is not something I should grasp for.

There is a reality of what I have created in my life, to be the guardian of this land and my herd, to be fortunate enough to create purpose in my days, and to facilitate deep meaningful work, I love my clients and my work and feel grateful that this is what I get to hold space for in my life.

I have a partner that is supportive and kind and thoughtful, that champions me in my dreams, and is loving towards all parts of who I am, I could not have conjured up a better man for me to walk my life with.

There is a community around me that inspires and supports me, on this land, in my life, and in this space here.  I do not exist in the world, nor do my dreams without any of the people that have walked this path with me.

I have both felt the urge to let go of the attachment of my dreams and to allow them to exist, to be available for the bigness that is my destiny, without knowing what it is.

If I could offer anything from my own reflection and wisdom it would be this.

Be receptive and available for your destiny without needing to know the details of it, keep being open to what spirit can see for you, trusting you are worthy of it.

As a child I always felt different, wanting to find my place of belonging in the world, needing people to understand my sensitivity.

I was a deep thinker with an obsession with purpose, I struggled at moments in my life in the isolation of this because I felt so out of place with those around me.

And the resolve and deep intimacy of knowing my thoughts and myself from traveling that space in privacy have to lead to a deep trust in the visions that come to me.

Living is a courageous act, we have to choose it every day, same with evolving and giving permissions to our desires and our dreams.

And a share of gratitude.

Each year on my birthday I have a ritual, the ritual is I spend some time opening myself up to feel the gratitude of the world for me, for my life, and for my birth, and for the gifts I bring.

It’s not comfortable, and I have found it to be a potent space of acknowledging the choice of my soul and also what I have brought to my life and allowing myself to receive it.

We are all gifts to this world, our presence matters deeply to those that are touched by it and it’s a good reminder for us to also acknowledge it within ourselves.  Let ourselves receive the gift of you and the love and gratitude others have for you.

We don’t need it to be our birthdays to hold that, so if you feel called to that ritual please lean into it.

I am grateful for the ability to share this with this community here and please know even if we don’t know one another, or I have never connected personally, I am grateful for you ad for allowing me to share my journey.

Thank you for being a witness to my gifts.

Love your mentor and guide,
Hillary